Done

I’m not at peace with God right now. my heart is empty, and nothing can fill it. I try to pray, and I just get angry. Three years ago I started trying to follow what God wanted me to do. at the time I had a good job, a girlfriend that loved me, a great roommate, and a future. Three years later, I’m broke, lost the love of my life, and I don’t like myself. I tried to follow Christ, but I just feel like I am too far gone. I have trouble caring about anything, laughing about anything, and I just feel despair and misery. I have no encouragement to give, I’ve wrecked every good friendship and relationship I’ve had, and I wouldn’t even hang out with me if I wasn’t stuck with myself. I used to be so smart, so full of promise and potential, and it’s all gone. I’m in spiritual, emotional, and physical poverty, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked God to rescue me, to save me from this, and yet I have so little faith that He will right now.

Being Dumb

Regression seems to be the theme in my life as of late. Just when I think everything is coming together perfectly, I manage to get completely in my own way and see the things I care about come apart at the seems. I lost the person I loved because I wasn’t wise enough to just enjoy what I had and be grateful. Instead, I just wanted more from her than I expected from myself, which is important to admit.

The question now is what to do from here. Some things I thought I had learned, and learned well, now have to be re-learned and applied all over again. When God seemed to be showing me clearly how to act going forward, I felt so right with Him and his plan. Now I am in what C.S. Lewis called “the trough,” where my own actions and choices are leading to my own unhappiness. I’m just not sure how to get where to go, but I just want to pray and take one step at a time. I’ll look back someday and laugh, I know it.

I Dream of Mountains

It’s school time here in Alabama. I’m thinking of something else. Snowboarding season is only a few months away, and I am ready now. It’s time for powder, fresh lines, and the feeling of nailing a run you’ve never been able to hit before. I’m ready for the clean smell at the top of the ski lift just before you throw yourself down the hill.

Snowboarding is a zen thing for me, I think. I love not be able to worry about anything besides the next turn, that jump that I’m not sure I should take or not, and the feeling of the board cutting through fresh snow. I miss the view of the sky that you cannot get anywhere else besides the mountains. It is truly God’s country, and my playground.

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this in the middle of August, but I am so ready to get to the ski area and start riding. I love to put in my headphones and just go. Nothing but me, the board, and the mountain. You cannot control what is happening when you’re snowboarding. You must bend to the will of something greater than you, and I love that about the sport. There are no decisions to make besides whether or not you are going to go for the next run. It’s simple and pure. I’m ready to go.

Distraction

I think sometimes we are our own worst enemies when to faith and life. The problem is that we become convinced that we know what to do, and that we have more control over things than we do. This can become problematic when you introduce other people into the mix. One of the hardest things to accept for me is that other people exist, and that they matter just as much as I do. I think I’m pretty decent towards others, but I get frustrated when people don’t live up to my standards. I’m not that frustrated with myself about this fact, its just something I need to be aware of. God has called me to a lot of things, most of which I am still figuring out. Balancing this higher purpose with the everyday distractions of life can be difficult, because everyday brings something new that seems to be more important than anything else. This semester, for example, is going to be wild. I’ve got to balance working in a church, doing an internship, and taking a full load of classes. On top of that, I’ve got to make decisions about what to do with my life. No pity party here, it’s just going to be interesting to see how everything turns out. If experience has taught me anything, it is that I can’t predict anything about where I will be at the end of this term. I pray that God will help me embrace this season as it presents itself and allow Him to take me wherever I am going.

Some Things Are Just Hard

There are times in life that are just plain hard. You didn’t ask for them to be this way, but they simply are. Some days it feels like your world is coming apart and you don’t know how to deal. Times like these make you question everything you believed in and the very way you’ve lived your life.

I know how difficult life can be. I’ve tried to pursue my life and my faith-walk fearlessly and that comes with its fair share of heartbreak and grief. It is not what happens to us that defines who we are, however. It is how you respond. When things fall apart, how do you respond? Some folks just hide and pretend life isn’t happening. Some cry out at the injustice of everything and how they don’t deserve this or that. Others just give up on their faith and themselves and stop caring. I’ve been all three. I’ve also tried becoming even more fearless. When the storms of life rage on, it is possible to realize that you’ve survived this, and that God is strong enough to pull you through. It doesn’t mean you don’t need the help of friends. God knows I lean on my friends pretty hard sometimes when I’m going through a rough patch. They are the greatest gift in the world to me, and I treasure my friends as precious gems. Sometimes it is as simple as this, however; do we let the events in our lives define us, or do we let God mold us and make us so that we can define them. Yes, sometimes life is just plain hard. But steel is not strong until it has been forged in the fire. In the same way, we cannot become who God is making us to be without embracing the hardships of life and pressing on.

The theme on the mission trip I went on this summer was “I Give Up.” What this means to me is that we are called to lay down our insecurities and the things that hold us back from becoming the kinds of people God has made us to be. It’s easy to hide behind our reservations and misgivings, but it is so much more powerful and meaningful to stand willing to accept whatever life has to offer and let God use us to make it something beautiful.

I will struggle with getting past myself every day of my life. But I will struggle with it, and do all in my power to let God lead me wherever He wills. Pray for me in this, and I will pray for you.

Life is Everyday

I’ve had a interesting summer to say the least. I feel so distant from who I was at the beginning of this season. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is worth noting. I’ve experienced a lot, had a lot of my old stuff come back to the surface, and even moved into a new house with the best housemates ever.

I’m listening to a song called “Nobody’s Got it All Together” by Jill Phillips right now, and it resonates with me. I tend to think I’ve got everything figured out and have myself right with God and everyone, only to see it fall apart when an x-factor of any kind comes into play. I have to remember everyday to admit that I don’t have everything together all the time, nor does anyone. That’s ok. There is nothing wrong with not having yourself completely figured out. But you have to commit to the journey. Each and every day. God is not someone you grow with for a while and then put on the backburner. Each day is a new step with its own lessons, joys, and heartaches. I for one need to hear this over and over again, because I become complacent and seek fulfillment elsewhere. I expect people to be good and right and just, and get angry when they don’t. I have no control over others’ walks. I can decide what my focus will be, and that is God.

Some days it is really difficult to commit to the walk. I don’t have everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I hate loneliness and crave real, honest companionship, yet I get distracted away from God by the very same thing I want. It’s frustrating, but I have to be patient with myself. There is good work going on in my life if I will only let it be. I would like to believe that in my heart I am first and foremost a lover, which makes the lonely times tough for me, but I have to remember that I have the gift of love for a reason, and that it is something wonderful that God has granted me to help build the kingdom.

As always, pray for me that I can keep my feet to the path and have the courage to keep walking when I fall down and don’t know what to do. I pray that God’s love will work through me the way he would have it, and that my insecurites and shortcomings will be covered in His grace.

Medication

I’m still dealing with going off my anxiety medication. It’s been really hard but I feel like I need to grow enough to deal with these things on my own. On the other hand, its weird when I know I’m getting wound up over nothing and I go ahead and get wound up anyway. That’s what is truly frustrating. When you know your behavior is ridiculous and completely turning people off to you and you can’t help but be that way. It’s a true feeling of helplessness when you can see yourself shift into a mood you know is not normal and a bit frightening, but feel powerless to stop it.

In any case, pray for me.

Homeless

Two of the counselors and I from our youth group are planning something…a bit radical. We are going to spend a week being homeless here in Birmingham. We felt called to solidarity with the homeless population here in Birmingham, some of whom we know personally and want to be in relationship with. It’s a crazy idea, but we all feel God is calling us to this. There is something wrong with our world when people are ignored, and we can’t stand it as followers of a homeless man named Jesus. We’ll be documenting everything and hopefully keeping a blog up, but right now we just need your prayers and love. We’re currently planning out how we’re going to do this and make it an effective way to raise awareness and concern for the homeless community here. These folks are the ones Jesus lived with and spoke the most about in His teachings, yet a bible belt state has trouble even acknowledging them. We’re scared, hopeful, and excited, but most of all sure that God wants us to do this. I hope you’ll keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare for this journey.

All the things I do not need

I do not need my video games… I was convicted of this silly thing this weekend. I’ve known it for a while, but I needed a push from God to say “Here is this material thing Philip doesn’t need and needs to cut out.” I’ve spent thousands of dollars on electronically entertaining myself, and what a missed blessing. That money could have been used to do all the wonderful things God can do through people, like feeding the homeless and helping others rebuild their lives. So I’m letting it go, donating it to the church youth group.

I’ve been talking about getting a projector for the youth room too. Not gonna happen on God’s watch. We don’t need it. makeshift songbooks work fine, we just need voices, instruments, and a desire to worship and be remade by the One. So that’s what we’re going to do. Not my call, I’m just the messenger.

There is much to be done, and I intend to let God go ahead and do it. If I’m lucky, I get to be a part of it, which is awesome.

Botanical Gardens and God

In Birmingham we have this beautiful place called the Botanical Gardens. It is a wonderful collection of different kinds of plant life, ranging from a forest to a Japanese Garden to a greenhouse with odd looking cacti. I used to take first dates there because it was my surefire way to make girls fall for me. Looking back, however, my Botanical garden dates rarely worked out into meaningful relationships or even second dates. In fact, some of the worst dating experiences I’ve had originated with my airtight Botanical Gardens plan. One girl attacked me (physically) when I told her things weren’t working out, another cheated on me during a cruise the week after our date, and one date actually ended with me discussing various things I had been in therapy for on a park bench. When I think about it, my sure-thing date actually doesn’t work very well at all. Of the three girls I’ve actually had a meaningful relationship with, I don’t think I took any of them to my own personal plant-filled romantic getaway.

I bring up my flora-inspired misadventures in dating, not because I want to relive some truly embarrassing moments in my life, but because it made me realize I do some very similar things in my faith. Much as I fall back on taking girls to this perfect place that is sure to make things go my way, so do I often use methods as a way to be sure to interact with God. I’ve often believed that if I listened to a certain piece of music, or read just the right verse in the bible, or went to the perfect worship service, it would help me become closer to the Creator. And just as the best romantic relationships in my life had little to do with planning crazy schemes involving the bamboo forest, so have my best memories concerning faith come in the most surprising places. I remember riding a ski lift in North Carolina at dusk, and being suddenly overwhelmed at the beauty of the landscape beneath the mountains as it was washed in the setting sun, and simply feeling that God was everywhere and beautiful in every way. There was a time when I was driving up to Maryland to visit my girlfriend in the middle of the night, and there was no one else on the road, and I felt like God was right there with me as I chugged down energy drinks to stay awake, and I thought it would be great to drive the highways at night and hang out with God all the time. The point is that, at least in my life, the best moments of experiencing God have nothing to do with our plans or timing. Like encountering a great love, growing with God is something that happens in our life that is all at once mysterious and incredibly familiar.

In college, we went on a field trip to the Botanical Gardens. It was the first time I had been there with out a date in a long time. I found myself drinking in everything about the Japanese Garden, from the small ponds full of lilies to the dense bamboo forest that blocks out everything beyond it. I remembered why I started bringing dates There. When I was younger, I loved to go to this place just to enjoy it and experience everything around me, and wanted to share it with someone. In the same way, the best times in my faith journey haven’t been when I was trying to find ways to access God, but rather when I just opened myself to sharing whatever I was feeling, seeing, hearing, and experiencing to the Divine. Growing with God isn’t about using the right rituals and recited prayers to make some kind of magic happen. Rather, it is simply about letting God be God, and being in awe of the things I do not know. This isn’t always easy, and sometimes it feels like I could try with all my might to find God and still be frustrated. But my life reflects that, like my gardens, God is always there despite my best distractions.